my life needs another revamp. and not so much because things arent going well, but more so that i dont like the direction that im headed. sometimes its as if i've this clear road ahead of me, and yet maybe im drunk at the wheel, or i get distracted by something, or i just fall asleep, but i always find some way to curve off the path. or even worse head back the way i came from, going around in loops to no end. i guess im trying to say that... i need to move forward, something i feel i havent done over the past year.

the hardest thing in life (or at least mine, right now) is to find myself a direction. and stick to it.

there is a bad point about looking on the bright side all the time, of always being optimistic, of hoping for the best without fail, of pushing through even when everything looks stacked. you never see it coming. nagging problems, instead of being dealt with, end up being brushed aside and hidden underneath all the gleam of the positive. when everything seems so rosy, thats when all the past that you've glossed over comes back to haunt you. things dont really change for the better, until you've embraced the worse.

thats always been my philosophy for life. opposites must exist, for there to be meaning. thats why sometimes i can be such a pain in the ass. easy things seem so fake and insincere. i've always believed that you'll never know love until you've known what it means to be truly alone, that you'll never understand hope until you've encountered the deep despair.

but there are some things in life that dont have an opposite. for somehow, love will always triumph. hope will never fade. thats what God gave us. what He gave me.

if only i wouldnt find it so hard to accept.



緩緩飄落的楓葉像思念
為何挽回要趕在冬天來之前
愛妳穿越時間
兩行來自秋末的眼淚
讓愛滲透了地面
我要的只是妳在我身邊

i love this song!

super tiring week has finally come to an end... and ended well i might add =) despite my worst fears that the extremely long week in camp might make me have too high expectations of the weekend and just end up draining myself, things worked out alright. thanks very much to the wonderful company i've shared over the past two days!

but first... what made it a long week.
2 simple things actually... outfield and SOC. haha. outfield was short actually... just a one day thing, and not very tiring throughout the day. the same cant be said for the night though. when we were finally done at.. midnight, guess what we discovered? our DGU (basically the generator unit which we tow around to provide power) got stuck in the mud! infact the 5-ton truck that tows it got stuck too... and much excitement followed haha. somehow my left foot had already survived being run over by the frontwheel of my radar (thank God for boots and soft mud), and i then proceeded to badly bruise my left thigh while we were lifting the DGU to push it (kinda got squashed). which is not much lah haha. but i think everyone nearly wrenched out their backs pushing tt heavy crap in the mud. we spent an hour pushing it to move it like... 10 metres? hahaha. soft squishy mud provides no traction... and lots of 'fun' haha. our truck nearly rammed it while trying to reverse out of the mud later.. haha i think for a moment there time froze as everyone watched the tonner back out of the mud at like full rev.. but the driver stopped just in time heh. the most exciting things outfield always happen when accidents nearly occur lol. somehow the first day set the mood for the rest of the week, and SOC was no joke either. after 9 months of absence... i happily fell down twice on our second round of the obstacles heh. on the swinging bridge too... nearly bashed my head in. but i've survived! haha =D

the best part? this week will be a near carbon copy... except that i have guard on weds AND sun. wheee =p okok enough about army. i think some ppl must be near sick of it... but tts my life see. at least for now heh.

weekend! caught harry potter, which was good lah. except that it let me down. i guess i shouldnt have expected so much, even if the goblet of fire IS my fav harry potter book. wish they didnt squeeze it into a 2 and a half hour film though, i dont feel as though it did the book justice. still good stuff though... and hermione sure is getting pretty. =) managed to get my hands on a peppermint mocha too! i love my mocha =)

today was pretty good too.. sushi buffet was just madness though. started out pretty normal with loads of sashimi (i love my salmon!) but then took a twist for the worst when our exuberence resulted in a mountain of soft shell crabs. 'crab colony' as luke calls it. it was like drinking a barrel of oil while munching on crab hahaha. i mean... just look how many crabs tt is -_- lol. guess we were too greedy... but we survived! and probably ended up eating near to 15 chocolate cream puffs each too heh. managed to get new soccer boots too! (arent they lovely)





oh yah. and things have been happening lately that... well, have made me realise something. watching harry potter, i swear that fleur delacour's sister is a dead ringer for ashley!! when she comes out of the water in the 2nd task... the only thing that came to mind was 'omg tt looks like ashypoo!' ashypooooooooooooo :p thats not the only thing too. today while in town, there were these two guys walking around with a HUGE potted plant on their head. well it was a hat haha, and they were promoting some garden city thing. but it just screamed stella. heh. and when i was walking about in wisma, as i stepped off the escalator, this guy cut across me and was calling out 'caleb, caleb!' (his son). hahaha. this is probably just my imagination, and its the dardnest thing. but it showed me one thing though. i miss you guys.

ahh. guess tts a gd end to a good week. which leaves on thing left to conclude this. book in time. =p



"Post 5 weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end, list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this."

for stella, in particular

1. i just love the smell of beer and coffee... but dislike the taste of either

2. when i was small i fell of my mom's back on the stairs.. explains a lot eh? =p

3. i love all things egg

4. when im alone i crave a crowd, but when im with a crowd i crave my loneliness

5. my closest friends live the furthest away

nobody knows who i really am
maybe they just dont give a damn
but if i ever need someone to come along
i know you will follow me and keep me strong




hmm its a good day =) i realised tt lately i've been in good spirits! which is great news haha. for myself at least :p just now while i was at the best stop waiting to go to town, it suddenly occured to me that maybe i've grown up, if only a little bit. over the past year at least. only 359 days left till ORD!!! less than a year. oh man a year really flies by.. tempus fugit. i can still remember mugging for my a's, and wishing 'oh man i cant wait for this to be over. pls end soon, end end end' hahaha. and now all the uni students are studying for exams... bet you never imagined tt in a year you'd be going through the same things all over again eh? hahaha

meanwhile... aimee is so gullible!! which makes for very fun times =) i love my gullible friends!

josh. and so it is... says:
ok u know your monitor right
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
uh huh
josh. and so it is... says:
it can receive brain signals one
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
har...
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
really
josh. and so it is... says:
yupyup
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
how come???
josh. and so it is... says:
like if u think of something really hard
josh. and so it is... says:
then it can pick it up
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
really meh!!
josh. and so it is... says:
*nods head*
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
u mean like every comp??
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
dun bluff me le
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
hahaha
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
ltr i go n tell pple..
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
they laugh how!!
.aims. ...就算泪水淹没天地, 我不会放手. says:
hahaha

speaking of gullible...



eugy teaching mich about the mechanics of a tanks ejection pod. which is not for the driver of the tank to be 'ejected from' in case of an emergency hahaha. neither does he eject upwards out of the hatch lol. and that huge long barrel sticking out from the front of the tank ISNT a telescope =) check her blog for more amusing snippets lol. was great to catch up!!

ahhh. this is the life.



.:. mich*e||e.:. handphones need a BLOCK function. says:
haha i dunno leh what do you want? haha
josh. and so it is... says:
mm
josh. and so it is... says:
many things
josh. and so it is... says:
=)
.:. mich*e||e.:. handphones need a BLOCK function. says:
er.............
josh. and so it is... says:
haha was just reading old blog entries...
josh. and so it is... says:
i want my driving license
josh. and so it is... says:
a car
josh. and so it is... says:
a nice house

and so it began, a long list of things i want. some more than others, some nothing more than a fancy or a whim that would be forgotten in the days to come. and some the very reason for my existence.

*edited from the chat to look, well. presentable. and more like a post than anything

i want my driving license. a car. a nice house. probably a gf to last. who will one day be my wife, who will laugh with me on our anniversaries. and cry over me on my deathbed, and yet live on and be strong. nice weather. more pay. more time. i want these years to be the longest years of my life, where every second plays out in my mind for the years to come. i want to be content, which is a paradox in itself. i want a new pair of specs, new pair of soccer shoes, and shoes for tt matter. maybe a nice belt or two. some new clothes. a nice bod, (which i am working towards =p) i want to maintain my tan. i want to be utterly and completely convinced that i am not alone. i want to be the christian that i was born to be. i want to be a child again, and yet an adult. i want some new computer games. i want a ps3. i want to travel the world. i want to study in the states, in a nice college where at the same time i wont have to be worried about money. maybe even in the uk. i want to have no worries, or at least lose the compulsion to do so so often. i want to do things never done, and imagine things beyond that. i want to be a new man, and yet the same me. i want to be understood, and accepted. i want to live, i want to dream, i want to hope. i want to dance, to dance until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. i want to sleep calm restless sleeps, and yet have the most fantastical dreams that lead me to worlds unknown. i want to go to bed knowing that i am loved, and wake up with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. i want to look back and know that i have lived. i want many things, and yet i want a simple life.

i want to be me.

and i want love.



hmm. im feel quite content now. not so much content with the things that im doing in my life, but perhaps the way its panning out. the future looks good. just got like, inspired. not really inspired, more like nudged in the ribs. *WAKE UP YOUR IDEA* sounded like that. figured out that one of the main problems of my life spent at home is that 95% of it is spent in my room, infront of my computer. surely there are better things to do around the house, and indeed there are. and i will find them.

so here i make a stand. today, i, joshua phua, have decided to cut down my usage of the pc. there are better things to do with my life than to spend it rotting infront of the comp like a hedonistic pig, slothing around while the precious hours of my life tick away.

haha yeah right. but i will try. =)

w455up ~Slackerdalic~ says:
anyway why less time on the comp?
w455up ~Slackerdalic~ says:
then spend ur time doing what may i ask?
josh. and so it is... says:
like
josh. and so it is... says:
household chores
josh. and so it is... says:
learning to cook
josh. and so it is... says:
do the laundry
w455up ~Slackerdalic~ says:
WOW

its possible :p



i figured that the best way to actually spend some time thinking isnt just sitting there and letting my mind wonder. nothing much gets done tt way, except maybe me just distracting myself for a few seconds before carrying on with whatever i was doing/going to do. so i thought: i'll blog instead! that way my thoughts will materialize into words, and i'd also be able to look back and consider what i've considered here today. so thats the premise for this post... though often my posts dont have any premise at all heh.

the main question that lies before me now is: what am i going to do with my life? how will the next 5 years of my life pan out... will it be here, in sunny ol' singapore? or in sunny ol' cali? or perhaps some other american university that will take me. each road has many considerations with it, many of which have more immidiate concerns to me. like, do i learn driving here, then? do i take my sats again? (07 applications haiz) do i apply for a scholarship? which one? do i get my testimonials? how much time do i have! AM I TOO LATE!? where do i really want to be? what do really want to do? and so on and so forth. i guess there will always be more questions than answers... but at least some answers can answer many of those questions.

and now for the real dilemma. its pretty obvious that the easiest way to settle all of this is to decide whether i want to study here, or study in the states. but tts what i cant decide. i figured that i'd find out what i want to do with my life after my studies, and i'd just study what i find interesting and then things will fall into place naturally. sounds like a good plan, but im pretty sure that studying abroad and studying here will have huge implications on what im doing with my life. especially so if im bonded. back to square one, in essence.

some might suggest weighing my options. heck, i've even considered that myself. but somehow it never works for me, i always go with what i feel like, never mind whether either side is more loaded. in the end i know that either way will work, its just that for once in a long while, im afraid. afraid of the possibility that i might spend 4 years regretting my decision. ironically the only regret i can imagine myself experiencing is that of if i dont try to go overseas. 'better to have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all'. i believe that. and come to think of it... i have the whole of next year to get ready. i can take my sats again, in Jan preferably. i can still learn driving, no harm there, which would be beneficial if i stay here, and perhaps even more beneficial if i go overseas. maybe its not that bad being bonded, i'd be a good platform to kick off my working life. i might even get to pursue my dreams if it works out (haha i dont know what those dreams are actually), but u never now.

guess tt settles it then! just hope i'll be able to get off my lazy ass to do all of this.

oh and take dancing again. i need to dance. random spasms of movement in my body tell me so. *wiggle*



what to do what to do. sigh. reallll irritated with all the shit thats floating around in my mind lately. this 'shit' refers to my future heh. or rather the choices and decisions i have to make. at which point does convienience cut in and hide the path that i really should take? thats one question i definitely need to answer. at least one was answered for me today.. if i want to go overseas i only can apply next year, i'm already too late this year. (due to SATS). interestingly enough though.. for our batch, i just realised tt we took sat 1 in j1 for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. because apparently most unis require the new sat reasoning test for 07 applicants. yipeee.

a day of thinking ended up as a day of stoning. story of my life.



翻著我們的照片 想念若隱若現... 去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜

its christmas time liao! or okae maybe still like 1 1/2 months shy... but they're already putting up decorations.. at least there's a HUGE tree outside paragon now. im pretty sure soon the one in taka will be up, and then the lights and tressels and all the christmas spirit will be in the air =)

which means one thing... time for christmas party! yes yes indeed. a time of revelry for all... induldge in your utmost desires.. hahaha. just have fun, basically ;) i guess this is a special shout out to all those who have been notably (or should it be [in]conspiciously) absent.. its time to partaayyy!

haha aside from all that joyous occasion.. this long break is going really well! after catching domino ystd, didnt really expect myself to end up at cine again watching another show, much less a violent action flick called 'tom yum goong'.. (its a name of a restaurant, btw heh) which has a rather... POOOR plot. but still quite entertaining, if a bit er xin at some parts. tony jaa is fierce sia. haha. oh well life is good! now if i can just find some way to get rid of these pimples that have been haunting me for months.. *sigh*

speaking of apperances! haha something v interesting happened today! amusing to say the least... some guy from i models apparently thinks im model quality... either that or his specs need fixing. haha. because he stopped me (he kinda arrowed his way across the path outside orchard mrt) and gave me a card! lol... gave him my number and he said he'll call me to go for auditions. fainted. i bet most of you are thinking.. '*fainted* just gonna boost his ego somemore' and well. IT DID! muaha. but haha all im thinking is '有没有搞错?' haha. oh well!

life is good :)




just got back from another guys night out... caught domino. woo! keira knightley is hot as ever... somehow the tough chick look suits her. v well. damn she's hot. hahaha =) something v interesting though.. lately a lot of shows/books i've been watching/reading have a lot to do with fate/destiny/fortune.. which is quite interesting really. haha think i've repeated myself there. but the whole notion of everything being either 'heads or tails' (or perhaps not that simplified, but the idea is there) lying in fortunes hand. in some sense its what i believe in, though in more of a controlled sense. we still toss the coin, but! the key part is that WE are tossing the coin. its kinda like, while the way it lands is up in the air, we still control our paths. not sure if that analogy works out, but tts my point anyhow. in matrix:reloaded there was this scene where the oracle and neo discuss choice, and neo points out 'if you already know my decision, how do i still have choice?' and the oracle replied 'you already chose a long time ago, your'e just trying to understand it now' something to that effect lah. and in a way i guess it works, like how our paths are already predestined, but by our own choice. it gets really confusing if you really sit down and ponder it, though ultimately i believe that what we do is what we should do, and that everything turns out as it should. regardless.

and that keeps me going =)

josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

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